Today was rough. Sundays usually are right now, and today was no exception. I woke up from my few meager hours of sleep and immediately begin going through the day in my mind:
“Maybe I can make myself look decent before Mac wakes up because he’ll need to be fed and changed and then get dressed for church and we know that’s a struggle. I can’t forget to pack snacks in the diaper bag. I should’ve done that last night. Maybe he won’t scream the 5 minutes it takes to get to church. Maybe he’ll do okay in church and I won’t have to take him out. Best case scenario, he’ll go to sleep. Worst case, I take him out screaming. Either way, he’ll wallow me to death so I’d better wear something comfortable. I’m so tired. I really don’t feel like doing this today. This will just be one of those times I go to church because it’s the right thing to do. Maybe I’ll actually get to hear a little of the message today. Oh good. He’s awake and cranky already. Maybe I should just stay here…”
I did not just stay home, but you better believe the thought crossed my mind more than once, and even once I got to church, I thought, “I should have just stayed home.” 🤦🏻♀️
Anyone else feel that way today?
This season is hard. I always knew parenting was no cake walk, but as someone who desired to be a mama for so many years, I guess I subconsciously thought I’d have this extra deep well of patience to draw from and certain things wouldn’t bother me as much.
Well, much to my surprise, I don’t…and they still do.
Mac is surprising me every day at how quickly he is learning. While I love seeing him picking up on things and growing leaps and bounds all the time, he’s also pushing boundaries and throwing fits when things aren’t exactly how he wants them…and my patience falters at those moments.
It turns out I’m not Mary Poppins.
I’m confronted every day with my failures and inabilities, and it’s hard.
Sure, I can blame the fact that I haven’t slept or eaten a well-balanced diet in a year, or the fact that my anxiety has been in high gear lately, but the cold, hard truth is I need Jesus to make it through these days, just like I needed Him to make it through the hard days of infertility…and I’ve been neglecting Him. Things are go, go, go from the moment I open my eyes until I close them, and I haven’t made time lately to get alone with God. Isn’t it something how that seems to be the first thing we let go when our plate gets too full?
It’s amazing how much more patience and grace I have with my son when I’ve spent time with the One who is so patient and gracious with me.
After I spent some time repenting tonight, I was reminded of a line of a song I was singing to Mac earlier: “Just think of it- the Lord, the King, the Creator of everything loves ME with a love that won’t stop!”
It doesn’t matter how much I mess up and fall down and lose my temper with my son or my husband or even myself, Christ still loves me. He’s always there to pick me up, dust me off, and push me back in the right direction.
God gave me some extra grace tonight. Between the Lord and my Balance and Peace oils, I hope to give some extra grace to others tomorrow. Even if (okay, when) I fail, there is an extra deep well of grace and mercy I can freely draw from when my well comes up pitifully short.
I’m channeling my inner Scarlett O’Hara and saying, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”
Bring it, Monday. 👊🏼