Tonight, I put my 11 month old baby to bed for the last time. Tomorrow, he’ll wake up a big one year old. I’m really not sure how it happened so quickly.
I may have kept rocking and singing tonight after I knew he was asleep because I feel like these days are getting away from me. Some nights, I’m so tired and I’m ready for him to go to bed so I can sit with my hubs for a few minutes of quiet before I have to crash myself, but nights like tonight, I never want to put him down.
I’ve been going back in my mind over the last weeks to this time last year and just remembering the miracle of how God brought this all together so quickly and perfectly. I may not remember every detail of what was said or what was done, but I remember how I felt and how God was so front-and-center those days. I was so aware that what was happening was His doing, and that He was about to make a dream come true.
A dream I had about given up on ever seeing come to pass.
A dream I was finally content to do without because He was all I needed.
God didn’t have to do it. He just did it because He loves us so much. He did it because this was His plan all along and He absolutely does right.
If He had given me children all those years I wept and begged for them, I wouldn’t have sat here tonight and sang and rocked this baby to sleep. I wouldn’t ever have been able to watch him come into this world a year ago, take his first breath, cry his first cry, and wonder how in the world I could ever love a little person so much.
God knew we needed this baby. He knew we needed Mac, so He spent years teaching me lessons and showing me His heart and His love for me until it was time for our son to be born. And do you know what? He’s still been teaching me lessons and showing me His heart and His love for me.
I’m learning I am still so dependent upon Christ. I can’t do this Mama thing alone. It’s hard, impossible even, but with God, all things are possible. I see His heart when Mac lights up over seeing me or his dad (his dad especially, but I’m not upset about that). I feel His love for me in every snuggle and kiss from my sweet baby. Sometimes I’m just watching Mac play, and I’m so overwhelmed with the reality of how much God loves me…not just because He gave me my son, but also because He gave His Son for me. As much as I love Mac and can’t imagine anything happening to him, it blows my mind to think God gave His precious, holy, guiltless Son to die for my wicked, wretched self.
But He did….because He loves us.
Being a mama has made me see the Gospel in a whole new light, but even more so because I became a mama through adoption. God took a child with no blood relation to us and made him ours. And he is. Mac is as much my son as if I had carried him and given birth to him. He was always meant to be ours. God took me as a stranger, a sinner, and made me His own. He gave me the righteousness of Christ and now I am His child. I’m an heir and joint heir with Jesus because He adopted me!
I can’t wait to be able to share these truths with our son. We’re praying now that God will save him and use his life to bring glory to Himself. Though that day may seem far in the future, if this past year was any indication, it’ll be here before we know it.
This year has been so full of milestones: first laugh, first word, first tooth, first steps…so many first things. It has been such a happy year for our family. We have loved watching him grow and learn and love.
I said I wouldn’t be one of those mamas that wants time to slow down and laments my baby growing up. Growing is healthy, and I’d much rather see him grow than not. My heart is just a little sad tonight, but it’s so full of thankfulness.
I’m thankful Mac is healthy and happy.
I’m thankful I get to feed him and bathe him and chase after him.
I’m thankful for every sweet snuggle and sloppy kiss.
I’m thankful I get to sing and rock him to sleep.
I’m thankful I get to be his mama, and tomorrow, we get to celebrate his birthday.
I’ve soaked up every moment I could this year and hid them away in my heart. Thankfully, there’s still plenty of room for the moments ahead.
Year one, we’re coming for ya! 💙