I’m not sleeping a lot these days.
To be completely honest, I’ve only gotten one full night of sleep since we brought Mac home from the hospital, but I’m not complaining. I’ve adjusted pretty well, especially since he started sleeping through the night. I just tend to wake up several times to check on him.
A few weeks ago, he came down with a cold, so I spent more time holding him and trying to make him comfortable enough to sleep, and less time sleeping myself.
I started putting him in the bed with me so I could better monitor his breathing during the night (because, hi, first time mom here, and I tend to worry about everything). He’s about over the cold now, but he quickly adjusted to sleeping with me, and now, that’s all he wants to do.
Now that he’s six months old, I’m not as paranoid about co-sleeping as I was when he was tiny. He always starts the night in his bed, but after a few hours, he’ll start to stir, and before he tosses and turns himself fully awake, I’ll just pick him up, cuddle him for a second, and lay him in the middle of my bed. He immediately rolls over and grabs my arm or my face or something, and as soon as he’s touching me, he’ll go right back to sleep…and it’s the sweetest thing ever.
I may not be sleeping much lately, but I remember a lot of long nights before Mac came along. As I laid here early this morning with this precious little boy next to me with his arm holding on to mine, I thought of all the nights I spent awake, crying until I thought my heart would break, all because I wanted the opportunity to be a mama. I wanted to wipe runny noses and change dirty diapers and have a little one to comfort when they hurt and just cuddle with when they needed reassurance that they were safe, secure, and loved.
I wanted this. What I have right now.
All those nights I spent in tears though were not overlooked by God.
He saw me, He heard me, and He held me…even when I didn’t see Him, hear Him, or feel Him. He was there. He heard every prayer I prayed, and even the ones I couldn’t pray. He caught my tears and stored them in His bottle (Psalm 56:8). I was never once abandoned or forsaken. He was always there.
It’s so amazing to me how He can take that awfully big bottle full of years worth of bitter tears and turn it into a sweet trophy of grace in His time.
He has given me the answer to my prayers. He gave me Himself. He gave me peace, and contentment, and fulfillment in Him alone.
And then He gave me Mac, just because He wanted to.
Now I have a nose to wipe and diapers to change and a little one to comfort and snuggle…and most days, I still can’t believe it. I’m just blown away at how good God has been to me.
I was reminded this morning that even if I never had these things, or if, God forbid, they were taken away, I would still have Christ, and He is enough. He is more than enough, and I want to spend my life worshipping Him for who He is.
I want Mac to grow up knowing that as much as I love him and his daddy, I love God more.
Everything I have and everything I don’t have is because of Christ. Everything I am and everything I’m not is because of Him.
I owe Him my life, my breath, all my days, and all my nights…even the sleepless ones…because He is worthy of them all.
Now, excuse me while I go snuggle my sweet little. 💙