Two years ago today, my husband and I announced to our friends that we had begun the adoption process with a Christian agency. So much has happened since then…
We had several setbacks due to things out of our control, and we felt as though things progressed at a snail’s pace. Since finally completing our home study almost a year ago, we’ve heard nothing. Well, that’s not exactly true. We did get a letter explaining our contract had expired and we needed to re-sign. In doing so, we must agree to the fee increase they implemented since we signed the first time.
We knew adoption wasn’t an easy road, but I’m not sure we were completely ready for what lie ahead. Here we are two years later– tired, frustrated, still without a baby, and trying to find the will of God for our next steps.
At this point, we’re looking more into private adoption, speaking with an attorney, and we are prayerfully considering leaving the agency. We have no hard feelings toward them; we just feel like maybe we’re trying to force things. We were having to aggressively do fundraising because the fees are so steep, and we just don’t have that kind of money lying around. We know God is more than able to provide…if He chooses to do so. If He wants to do things differently, who are we to try to force things to go the way we think they should? At the end of the day, more than anything else, we want His will done His way. The end.
I recently read an article where the author said, “I don’t just want to accept God’s will for my life. I want to agree with it.” That really resonated with me, and I have been praying that the Lord would make this true in my life.
That brings me to my next revelation.
Y’all, God has done such a work in my heart.
Justin and I will have our 10th anniversary this summer. We are approaching ten years of trying to have a family. For so long, that was all I could see. No matter how hard I tried to move past it, all I could see and feel and know was the pain of my crushed heart and dreams. For years, this was my life.
Once God brought me through my darkest days, He helped me to be content with my current situation…until He changed it. Whether it be through giving us our own children naturally or allowing us to adopt them, I was fine waiting for Him to do whatever He chose to do next. I’ve lived there for the last several years.
But over the past few months, things have changed. Something I never thought possible has happened. Something that never would have been possible had the Lord not done it…
I’m not waiting anymore.
I recently realized that I am no longer content waiting for God to do the next thing. Even if things never change, I’m content with my life just the way it is.
About a month ago. I was sitting on my bed after having just read yet another “Our family is growing!” announcement, and I thought about my life…
Ten years later, I am still so in love with my husband, and I love our life together. We have a tiny home, and sure, it would be nice to have something bigger and nicer, but I love what we have because I share it with him. Our home may not have children, but we have plenty of happy conversations and music and laughter. We don’t have piles of toys, but we do have stacks of books. We don’t need a child to watch the kid movies I love so much. We can do that by ourselves, and that’s okay.
What I have faroutweighs what is missing.
We would still love to have children, and I sometimes wake up from having dreamed we have our house full of little ones, but I’m not content waiting anymore. I’m just content. If it’s just the two of us growing old together, that’s fine with me. God has still been so much better to me than I deserve. Why should I spend the time He has given me waiting on what may never be? I still have random, fleeting moments of pain and sadness, but Christ deserves all my heart and all my life, and He deserves it right now.
I recently heard a quote that summed this up perfectly:
“We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.”
I want to live my life being thankful and happy. I want to love my husband, my family, our church, our community the way I should. I want to spend my life for the Lord, doing whatever He wants me to do, and I want to do it with a smile on my face.
No more waiting….just living, loving, and praising the One who made this amazing life possible. 💜