Fainting Hearts

Everyone has probably heard and used the expression that something “is not for the faint of heart.” As we left our second meeting with the adoption agency this afternoon, exhausted and overwhelmed with information, the thought crossed my mind that adoption is not for the faint of heart…and neither is infertility. After a few minutes though, I realized how completely untrue that is.

In fact, it’s pretty much the exact opposite.

I know that no one has a completely painless, smooth and easy life. I totally get that. I’m also under no delusions that my life and our situation is tougher than yours. We all struggle in our own ways and carry burdens that others may not understand or even know about.

But I am going to be real with y’all for a minute.

This is hard.

I knew that adoption was going to be a difficult, emotional, and beautiful thing….But I didn’t realize I was going to be so emotional already.

As I sat in that meeting this morning as we were going over different scenarios and hypotheticals, I found myself hit smack in the face with the supreme unfairness of the entire situation.

The fact that individuals are unable to care for their upcoming arrivals and have to say goodbye is unfair.

The fact that some children enter this world unwanted by the only voices it’s ever heard is unfair.

The fact that some children never even enter this world at all, but are killed before they get here is so unfair.

The fact that my husband and I have to sit in meetings and prepare for worst-case scenarios of how to deal with difficult birth parents and how to help this child one day cope with the fact he or she was adopted and all the spectrum of emotions that go along with that instead of being able to experience a pregnancy and the anticipation of a child that is half me and half him like regular people is unfair.

The necessity of adoption is just unfair.

Please don’t misunderstand. Adoption is a beautiful thing and it even helps us to better understand the Gospel. This is what Christ has done for us! He has taken us who had no claim, no inheritance, and no future, and placed us in His family with all the rights of a son. When that child is placed in our arms, there will be no question to whom he or she belongs. That will be our child, and we will be their parents.

As much as we are looking forward to that day with the knowledge that it will be worth every moment that led to that point, right now, we’re in a hard place.

Knowing that we will forever share a part of our child with others is not an easy pill to swallow.

It’s not that infertility and adoption are not for the faint of heart, but there are times when they cause faintness of heart.

Justin and I were talking at lunch, and I told him that for so long I was in such a bad place with the overwhelming and consuming desire for children, and it took so long for God to bring me to a place where I was okay again…and now it feels like we just went from one hard place to another. I’m not only dealing with new feelings and emotions, but I’m revisiting old ones as well.

He so sweetly reminded me that if God could bring me through those dark days, He can bring us through whatever darkness lies up ahead.

He’s completely right, of course.

The same grace that was sufficient for the last several years will be sufficient for the days, the months, and the years to come.

You may be in a completely different place than we are, but hard times and hard places abound for everyone…and the same holds true, no matter the details. The grace and mercies of God cannot be exhausted. 

Whether you’re dealing with something that isn’t for the faint of heart or something that causes faintness of heart, the grace and mercy and faithfulness of a God who cares will be enough to see you through…

…and see us through too.


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